There’s TV you watch intently; the kind that begs constant attention, vigilant surveillance, and a keen mind. Then there’s the TV you watch casually; the kind that you need only hear, not necessarily see, in which the outcome is fairly predetermined but you enjoy the ride anyways. Finally, there’s TV you watch while getting drunk; because well, that’s the best way to enjoy it. And Heroes? Heroes falls under that last category.

I’m not one to generally recap under the influence, but look, it’s Heroes. You need all the help you can these days. For every incredibly cool moment (Hiro triple teleports!) there’s something mind-bogglingly silly (Peter “Rambo” Petrelli trying to take down the Haitian militia). So a bottle of white wine was just what the doctor ordered. Plus, I am celebrating a little linkage tonight for my other site. So, sue me if I’m a little tipsy.

So what did the eclipse bring out in the heroes? Well, the worst of them, to quote Arthur Petrelli. Fear, loathing, and yet, no Las Vegas. Seth Green? Absolutely, but no Las Vegas. But since only the heroes/villains seemed to know their status was a temporary setback, the past two episodes served to only demonstrate just how stupid the majority of the show’s characters truly are.

Now, had these characters acknowledged the possibility of temporary loss of power, THEN gone into a deep meditation as to what a powerless life might be like…then we would have had something. A few characters, such as Sylar (risen from the narrative grave by episode’s end) toyed with the notion, but not in any way that really resonated. Given the inherent transitory nature of their impotence, coupled with their inherent lack of common sense, we at home were just left wondering what the Mohinder was going on this week.

Then again, that’s a normal state lately: wondering what the hell is going on this week. Because while it’s tangentially related from a narrative perspective, it’s completely discontiguous from a coherent characterization perspective. (See? I used “discontiguous” after four glasses of wine. I deserve a freakin’ medal.) Last week Elle was all bloodlust. This week? Hugs and puppies. Last week, Noah was once again Super Dad. This week? Leaving his daughter to die in order to kill an unkillable man.

Sure, you could argue that Noah saw a chance during the eclipse to kill Sylar once and for all, but why on earth did this eclipse act in no other manner than previous eclipses? Suppose we actually go along with the premise put forth last week that the last known eclipse cause everyone’s powers to flourish. That’s a complete lie, but OK, that’s the new story and the show’s sticking to it, damnit. Why should this one turn them off…for a 24-hour period? It doesn’t make sense…unless you’re a show that wants to introduce an arbitrary obstacle near the end of a volume of episodes.

So what did we learn? We learned that powers are not something to take for granted. Awesome. I hope the next eclipse doesn’t take away my ability to use the “hunt and peck” technique and still type 80 words a minute. I do NOT take that for granted in the least, Mr. Eclipse. I don’t want to be a slow typist, I don’t want to be a cripple, and I don’t want to be a pudgy ex-cop with overly optimistic opinions about blondes. I don’t want any of those things, so don’t make those happen, if you please.

But with all powers restored, it’s not like things returned to normal. Sylar’s season-long rehab ended just in time for the final episode. Sure, why not? Nathan decided against all forms of logic and reason to side with Papa Petrelli, a move I pray is a bait-and-switch but worry is in fact the real deal, Holyfield. So now all you hookers and hos know how I feel. As for 10-year old Hiro…well, the Robot Chicken guys put him on the path, so let’s hope he gets his memory back lest he YATTA all over the final battle.

And seriously, Maya? Maya? They couldn’t have brought her back for simply that. I’m worried she’s going to play a part in the final act, because well, it’s Maya. No good has ever come from that. She’s like if Nikki and Paulo from Lost had a threeway with some rotten eggs and then obtained powers during an eclipse even though multiple heroes and villains had powers long before the last one but we’re supposed to forget all about it and oh look I’m bleeding from my ears now.

The upshot? One ep to go in this volume. One last chance to get some of this right and keep anyone around for the next volume, “Fugitives.” I want it to be good. I do. But I have another bottle of wine waiting in the fridge.